Trouble saying what you really mean / speaking before thinking

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Is this something that others deal with?

It’s a real problem for me when it comes to people who are close to me and pay attention to what I say. I have a habit of “putting my foot in it” in ways that I can’t argue with the negative impact of.

It usually happens in a scenario where I’m relaxed, and end up verbalising mental spurts that haven’t been fully thought through. At the time it feels like a totally normal thing to think, but when it’s thought through, it’s not only insensitive, but it makes assumptions of the other person that say more about yourself than about the other person.

My mother has this in overdrive, but I also have it and it causes huge problems in every scenario I have. My only “coping mechanism” is to be totally withdrawn and that has problems of its own which are arguably worse.

Are there any good coping mechanisms for being this way? “Don’t be a terrible person” I’m sure some helpful people will say, but it’s not as simple as that. I do believe I have good intentions, but I feel that I have an instinct to overshare before I even understand my own thoughts and their own meanings.

Is this something that you’ve experienced?
  • Yes
  • No
  • Maybe
  • No, but oI know someone who has

0 voters

Do you have constructive suggestions on how to deal with this?
  • Yes
  • No
  • Not sure

0 voters

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Yes, this resonates. A certain mindset of a creative person can be deemed offensive yet that is never the intention. I totally get this, experience this, and with talking can be undone. You (not you @ma0sm) can never really change how you are, and that is never a bad thing.

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I can fully relate to this as well. It’s not something I constantly do, but on occasion. I find that when this happens, it’s usually because I’m anxious to put my 2 cents in, or feel a little bit anxious. One thing that I think help is to more consciously listen to people and think about whether I’m actually adding value or just spouting words and want to be heard. I rarely think I talk before thinking because of a need for attention, but maybe I’m just unaware of this need.

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so I feel like I’ve struggled in a ‘putting my foot in it’ sense mostly through text

I have also struggled in person, but that’s more in an awkward sense; I’ll feel pressure building up depending on who I am with + environmental factors, and apart from fleeting times, it’s mostly been like I’ve been panicking + bluffing my way through

more like a practiced blurting, though, one that is hugely taxing on my capacity. I’ll mostly get through without actually saying anything out of turn, but will feel drained and like I’ve been trampling over people

through text, there’s panic too, but even when I’ve felt like I’ve articulated myself, really pored over the words, felt them deeply, it’s ended up misunderstood, misinterpreted, or just too much as an action in itself

either way, yeah, I’ve gone back to being very withdrawn for the most part. really scared to talk because of how badly I’ve been hurt by things breaking down (on top of existing conditions)

as far as advice/reassurance goes, I’d say that it’s very evident that you’re one of the most considerate people on what seems to be one of the most considerate bubbles in society (here). that’s huge

which is to say I find it really hard to imagine you saying anything in real bad faith, and I’m sure this will be a common perception

communication is so much harder than it might seem if we only thought of ourselves. you’ve got to spare yourself to some extent, as no matter how hard we try or how well we feel we have listened + articulated, we can’t always avert hurt feelings

like, there will always be miscommunications, and the best we can do is an authentic kind of non-violent communication

blurting things, well it’s like our brains betraying the fact that consciousness is a very chaotic work in progress, and we only just about wrangle it at the best of times

I think you can find some peace (you, not everybody - certainly not me) in holding on to that humility, thoughtfulness, etc, whenever you find yourself having erred - like that cliché about standing at the sea, accepting you can’t control the tides

/ramble

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Agree with this ^

I think it’s very likely that you’ll get a pretty much 100% ‘yes’ response rate to your first poll, because there are extremely few people who will go through life without putting their foot in it. I think this community holds righty holds itself and everyone to very high standards when it comes to how we communicate, but that doesn’t mean that we’re going to hit those standards all the time. As @anon27715433 says human consciousness is messy as hell and it’s rare that thoughts will come out perfectly formed.

probably not phrasing this v well but I don’t think putting one’s foot in it is a really big deal - the telling difference between considerate and inconsiderate people is how authentically they take their foot out of it again. If you’re authentic and humble, and listen, then I think those situations should shrink pretty quickly and it feels less like putting your foot in it and more like just the natural mess of communication.

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Everyone puts their foot in it to a degree. Imo I think it’s more important how you handle it when it does upset someone. Do you avoid it and get defensive? Or do you act with compassion and explain calmly that you didn’t mean for it to come out like that?

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Yes. 100 times yes.

I have a technique to reregulate as the majority of the time I do this when I he been “found out” Meg having not done the dishes when i said i would that kind of thing.

I stems from a childhood repeated parenting habit of being caught by my parents and shamed. It is pretty toxic!

What I donisnreregilate by mindfully breathing. I normally start by throwing out excuses rather than admitting that it has not been done. This is an eroding trust issue that basically feels like lying.

It has taken years to stop this. I still do it. I’m in therapy. It is not easy.

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I’m not sure if this is the same sort of thing as you’re saying, but as I’ve got older I’ve found it hard to find the right words when I speak. It’s usually when I’m trying to make a good impression or talking with someone I’m meeting for the first time.

Like the other day I was talking to someone at school drop off about how bad the weather was and I couldn’t remember the word playground, so my sentence went “yeah, it doesn’t look like they’ll be able to get out in the …. the outside bit… the yard… today.” The yard! Like they’re in prison or something. And once I noticed I’ve done it once in a conversation, it will happen several more times. As soon as I leave the conversation, the words come to me instantly.

I really hate it and wish I knew how to stop it.

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