BHS for tea, now watching crime TV and excitedly planning new house stuff.
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Right I think it’s been long enough (one day) that I can share why I had to go to a&e with my mate cause frankly I need other people to appreciate how funny the situation/I was.
So. She went out on the Friday on the piss and got pissed. She’s on her fourth wee or something (I dunno I wasn’t there) and realises she can’t find her tampon. She’s on the razz so thinks “oh fuck it, I’ll have a proper rummage when I get home.” Gets home, still can’t find it, goes to bed.
Wakes up still a bit drunk on Saturday morning and it’s still nowhere to be found. Now I dunno why she thought I was the person who’d know what to do in this situation (do I give off the vibes that I loose things in orifices often?) but she decides I’m the person to phone for advice.
I was a bit taken aback but my advice was “squat low to the ground and cough” which she does, but cause she’s also still drunk she’s laughing so I’m like “don’t laugh you might suck it further in?? Cough!! COUGH!!” Anyway no joy. And by Saturday evening I’m like “babe, you must’ve taken it out when hammered and just forgotten to replace it” but she’s having none of it and is worried so I’m being supportive and checking in each day.
She’s rummaging all weekend god bless her and come Monday she speaks to the doctors and they’re like go to a&e ASAP you silly goose. So I go with. Now. I understand her anxiety and I genuinely was being reassuring cause she’s in a flap at this point and like same, I would’ve been. But I also can’t help but make jokes. My favourites include;
“Imagine if it’s not up there but they find something else you’ve lost?? Like a spare key?”
“There’s a bullseye on the wall, so aim for that.”
“If it is in there, ask if you can keep it. We’ll get it bronzed.”
Anyway they call her in and she’s out within ten minutes. Walking a bit funny and red faced. OBVIOUSLY I’m like “oh fuck off… I was right wasn’t I?”
“Shut up kerm not now.”
“You got fingered for no reason on the tax payer’s dime didn’t you? First covid now this, haven’t they been through-”
“I SAID NOT NOW!” 
I did at least wait until we were back in the car before gently asking “so… when they were finished did you clap?”
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Unlike the tam…ABANDON REPLY
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Feel like I should point out that I was being very nice and the reason she wanted me there and not someone else is cause I’m SUCH a bellend and she finds the whole ordeal hilarious now. Cause it is. It’s really funny.
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I even offered to take a look ffs. That’s friendship.
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Reminds me of someone on Mumsnet who lost her mooncup in a similar way. Like, just how big was it up there???
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I mean tbf it does apparently happen with small tampons (although very very rare) but an entire mooncup?! Her pelvic floor must be STRONG to suck that up in its entirety
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Saw a picture of a very tasty-looking pizza last night, so I planned to get one today. Ordered from a different place, since the usual ones are closed on Monday. Once I tasted it, I remembered that I had previously vowed to never get a pizza from there again. A grease pit and the pesto is terrible (tbf most pesto is). Thoughtlessly ordered a whole too, forgot the most important topping of salami/pepperoni, and to top it off they got my order wrong.
What should I do with all this pizza?
Eat it
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Whenever I see a long post from you I know we’re in for a treat
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What is bhs?
Did not finish.
I think the trick to getting proper writing done is not to be near the television.
Beans, halloumi & spam
Genuinely no idea
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Big hairy sausages was my first thought. I think I’m wrong.
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Tried to book a holiday. Failed at booking a holiday. How can a site let you get as far as choosing the seats on the plane, then turn round and go “nah”?
It’s a Brian Harvey Special (jacket potato)
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Even I know the BHS is the standard funkhouser Brian Harvey Special. 
Although I still don’t know what food is actually consumed.
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tuna mayonnaise.
