Tuesday Evening 🐍

Someone has helpfully pointed out that the escaped python got out from an upstairs window, so it could be able to climb back up to one. I’m going to sleep with my wood chopping hatchet next to my bed. Although I suppose if it really went for me, by the time I woke up it would be too late.

Anyway, what’s happening with everyone else?

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Evening Eps, evening everybody. About to leave for Janelle Monae at Wembley, so colour me excited.

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Could you just sleep with the window closed?

Lounging with this sleepy doofus.

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Oh what and sweat to death?!

Either way I’m doomed. No, plan hatchet is the way forward.

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Do you got the juice?

I’d be quite surprised if a snake could climb up a wall tbh, also do they eat people?

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Would be pretty funny if by all ways to go, eps finally met his end via escaped Cambridge python

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No offence

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And I say this about someone whom I consider to be my neurotic equal

I feel additionally sorry for people who die in β€œfunny” or spectacularly bizarre ways. Imagine if you had tried to live a serious and important life and then all you are known for it getting trapped inside a toilet or something

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Juice? Check.
Tightrope? Check.
Vagina trousers? Check*.

*Not really. Apart from anything else, I’ve not got the legs to carry them off, even if they are at the merch stand.

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They climb trees.

They can kill people by accident if you’re asleep, because you’re the warmest thing in the room and they wrap themselves around you.

I know this because on two occasions my ex brought home a reticulated python from work on two separate occasions and it stayed in our house overnight. It didn’t have an enclosure so slept in a sports bag with a hot water bottle and some heat mats. But if knew how to get out of the bag even if you zipped it shut, so I didn’t really sleep either of those nights.

So I’ve been through these dangers before. But this time I have a secret weapon: my hatchet.

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How often should you mow the lawn/do gardening?

Getting really fucked off that I have to do gardening AGAIN! I did it like 1-2 weeks ago or something

Over at a pals eating vegan fajitas and zero beers, like a good lada

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Any time apart from when there’s a python stalking the streets

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I feel a bit nervous for you now, I hope you will be ok

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Eps rn

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So in St Andrews I lived round the corner from the abattoir, and one day they put a notice out on the radio saying that a wild boar had escaped and to be very careful.

Thought it would be quite funny to be gored to death on my doorstep by a wild boar. You know, as these things go.

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I don’t think a boar would kill a reasonably fit adult human in a fight