Tv Show Ideas



Boris Johnson stars in a remake of Minder that’s safe to watch now that Shane Ritchie’s a million miles away from it. Constantly plagued by various East End ne’er-do-wells intent on reclaiming old debts, used car dealer Arthur Daley (Johnson) assembles an unthinking monosyllabic creature (Danny Dyer) from spare parts found in a skip to help protect him from local hoodlums. Together, they get into countless scrapes and japes whilst ducking and diving around the capital.

This week, Arthur is kidnapped by an old business adversery and held hostage in a lock-up. Rescue seems a long way off as Danny, confused by his master’s abscence, circles the car lot omitting low moans and wails, occasionally stopping to hit his head against a metal shutter. Will Danny find and release his employer, or will he become so engrossed in his own shoelaces that he never gets round to tracking Arthur’s scent? Tune in to find



Mickey. You were the team leader on this task. Now, from wot I see, this whole operation was a bleedin’ shambles. I left you in charge of runnin’ the cleanin’ business an’ the feedback I’ve been gettin’ is making my fackin’ blood boil. We went off and came back two hours later, not a sniff of a fackin’ profit and water all over the bloody shop, and the fackin’ icing on the cake - you’ve only gone an’ hacked up half the bleedin’ stock!

And to make matters fackin’ worse, you try to feed me some cock-and-bull story abaht dancin’ brooms? Let me tell you samthin’, son - I didn’t spend 92 hours a week sellin’ bleedin’ parrots dahn Tooting market to get 'ere today and be led a merry dance by you, you squeaky-voiced little toerag. You’re fired!



FILM : Remake of the John Carpenter classic horror. A parasitic extra-terrestrial lifeform assimilates other organisms and imitates them. Infiltrating an Arctic research station, the creature takes on the appearance of the researchers that it systematically kills. Paranoia occurs within the captive group, until they suss out that each “host” sounds exactly like Toots Hibbert.



FILM : Nick Knowles stars as a B&Q delivery driver on the edge, indulging in a dangerous high-stakes cat-and-mouse game with the local sheriff (Paul Ross). Knowles attempts to drive from Weston-Supermare to Redditch non-stop, breaking every law in the book in order to drop off a consignment of cement mix and rawl plugs at Ross Kemp’s gaff in enough time to sneak off home and watch the Spurs match.

Co-starring that Scouse bloke off the first Big Brother as Super Soul.



Special mini-series of the music show, featuring celebrity and musician crossovers. This week, Ian McCulloch is joined by Ken Dodd and his eminently creepy puppet friends to perform 1984’s Heaven Up Here in it’s entirety.

This episode replaces the scheduled show advertised in Radio Times, featuring Paul Daniels and Debbie McGee teaming up with Thom Yorke to perform The King Of Limbs, which will now be screened at a later date*.

    • preferrably the day after armageddon.



Each week, axe-wielding Lord Snooty cosplayer Slash hides in an elderly couple’s loft space and attempts to avoid detection for seven days to win huge cash prizes for charity.

This week, Slash will be taking advantage of an insulation installation to hide in the roof of Eric and Florence Griffiths’ home in Halifax. Matt Baker hosts.


I did Slash in the Attic on a previous version of this thread. You’ll be hearing from my lawyers.



Documentary series in which Dion Dublin follows the Sicilian Mafia around Italy, casting a light on to their unconventional debt recovery practices.

This week, Dion is in Verona, where Vincenzo is relieved of his right index finger after carelessly forgetting to keep up on his repayments.