typical morning routine audit 2022...

5:15am - alarm goes off, two snoozes
5:25am - get up, slippers and dressing gown on, go for a piss
5:30am - cup of tea (two bags, Yorkshire, whole milk), bowl of cereal, check emails
5:50am - have a shite, read the news on my phone
6:00am - in the shower
6:15am - stick Smooth FM on, get dressed
6:30am - leave the house, cycle to work, buy meal deal
6:45am - get to work, have a brew
7:00am - start work


4.30 - 5am - wake up with baby. Go downstairs, vaguely babysit him playing on his mat while trying not to fall asleep.
6am - back to bed
7.30am - wake up for a second time with baby, take him downstairs and have breakfast (me: cereal. him: porridge with berries). Drink coffee
8.30am - Wake partner up, maybe shower, maybe shit
9am - start work. Hate work.

7.30 first alarm
7.50 second alarm
7.51 brain pill
7.55 cereal
8.00 coffee
8.01 cryo chamber
8.10 Animal Crossing
8.30 shite
8.35 shower, teeth, hair
8.50 start work

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Have you considered brushing your teeth before making your bathroom poopy?

My housemate combines those two activities.

No. Poo THEN shower, all other bathroom activities post-shower. This is the way.


6.10am. Partners alarm goes off. I sleep.
6.20am. Partners alarm snoozes. I wake up.
6.30am. My alarm goes off. I turn it off and go on my phone for a bit.
6.50am. Have a wee. Go downstairs. Coffee on. Make drinks bottles for my wife for her day. Maybe unload the dishwasher. 6 music plays.
7.00am. Sit on sofa and drink coffee. Maybe watch TV or more phone. Do a poo (in the toilet not on the sofa).
7.20am. Get up and put on yesterday’s clothes and get the dog ready for a walk.
7.30am. Leave the house for a dog walk.
8.20am. Return from dog walk. Get in shower and get ready for work.
8.40am. Have breakfast (Fruit n Fibre, sliced banana on top). Eat as desk while booting up laptop.
9.00am. Work.

7ish - Mrs HYG yells at me to wake up. Have a piss.
7ish - 7.40ish - accede to the demands of small children, providing breakfast and other services
7.40ish - 8ish - get children dressed
8ish - cycle children to nursery school
8.45ish - get home, have a coffee, maybe cereal depending on how I’m feeling
9ish - open laptop and “work”

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6.40 wake up check time
7.10 alarm goes off get up
7.15 coffee
7.30 shit, wordle, nyt mini, mariokart mobile daily challenge
7.40 cereal, everyone loves raymond
8.10 - Leaving house before end of work day i have a shower, if not i save my shower i have my shower when i finish work. Brush teeth for both scenarios
8.30 turn computer on and make another coffee

I eat my meal deal (first one) at 9:50am. Some days it’s, like, a samosa, a tub of boiled eggs and an orange Lucozade.

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06:40 alarm, snoozed
07:00 alarm 2, radio 4 headlines, snoozed
07:20 get up, poo
07:30 shower, dress
07:40 coffee, cereal, watch shite on YouTube
07:45, plusword, nyt mini, squareword, more YouTube
08:05 poo 2
08:10 brush teeth
08:15 leave for work
08:30 start work
08:40 arrive at work

If I’m not on drop off duty I’ll tidy up, piss about on my phone and shower. Luxury.

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6am-8am (precise time unspecified) - Toddler wakes up

No other typical data exists.


7:10 alarm goes off
7:15 get up, put the kettle on
7:16 put the shower on to heat up, go for a wee, don’t flush until after the shower
7:18 get in the shower
7:30 out the shower, forget to flush
7:31 brush teeth, while making cup of tea, leave to brew
7:35 doomscrolling
7:55ish remember i made a cup of tea which is now borderline undrinkable
8:00 log onto work, open emails etc
8:01 log onto here
9:00 ish actually start working

laughs in shift work

Generally give myself 45 mins for a cup of tea, bit of breakfast, to get changed and etc and then another 45 mins to cycle to work and then sort myself out when I get there.

Sometimes prefer a bit of extra bed to a cup of tea and just roll out of bed, brush my teeth, etc and go.

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2:30 AM wake up
2:45 AM prayer time
3:15 AM breakfast
3:40 AM workout
5:30 AM post-workout meal
6:00 AM shower
7:30 AM golf
8:00 AM snack
9:30 AM cryo chamber recovery
10:30 AM snack
11:00 AM family time/meetings/work calls


8.20am - wake up
8.25am - brush teeth
8.30am - shower
8.45am - make a cup of tea and log on at work
9am - start work
9.20am - eat breakfast
9.30am - release the morning toffee

Have about 5 different morning routines depending on what day it is so I’ll do today’s

6.30 - Alarm, get up, wee wee time
6.35 - Downstairs, make tea for me and coffee for my wife
6.45 - Sneaky breakfast
7 - Kids up and dressed
7.15 - kids breakfasts, brush teeth
7.45 - Wife leaves with youngest child to take to childmind
8 - brush whichever kid I have to deal with teeth, make sure drinks and school gear is all packed
8.15 leave house and walk a mile and a half to her school
8.50 - drop her off at school. Start 3 mile walk to work
9.30ish - start work

WFH day:

7am unwillingly woken from slumber by alarm. snooze
7.05am alarm. snooze
7.10am alarm. snooze. snoozed alarm goes off again. snooze.
7.15am alarm. snooze. snoozed alarm goes off again. snooze.
7.20am alarm. snooze. snoozed alarm goes off again. turn it off.
7.25am alarm. turn it off. snoozed alarm goes off again. turn it off, back to sleep
7.30am alarm. turn it off, back to sleep
7.45am alarm. blearily turn off, read Playbook, dick around on DiS and social media for half an hour
8.15am wee then shower
8.30am lazily get dressed, wander into spare room to turn on laptop while wearing a towel/pants and a hair towel
8.45am read DiS again
9am log onto laptop while dressed but hair wet and no make up. crack open a cold can of Monster.

The sheer amount of Taurus (lack of) energy radiating from me x

Office day:

7am unwillingly woken from slumber by alarm. snooze
7.05am alarm. snooze
7.10am alarm. snooze. snoozed alarm goes off again. snooze.
7.15am alarm. read Playbook. tired. realise I need to leave house in 5 mins to get earlier train (never ever make it). run around having a wash, throwing on clothes, doing make up, packing my bag.
7.35am hurtle out of flat and hurry down to station (15 mins). have 3 mins to get a ticket from machine. choose your own adventure: wait in queue for ticket machine outside station, or scamper into ticket hall to see if there’s a queue there. queue in ticket hall? if time, run to machine on other side of underpass to get ticket. likely no time though. wait in shorter queue and hex the person in front who is taking eons to print their prepaid ticket.
7.53am board crappy train with no table which stops at Chelsfield. busy. hate life. change shoes from trainers to heels and make at least one person move carriage because my trainers smell nuclear
8.40am get to Londy B, disembark, filter onto packed Jubilee northbound, hate life. spend 10 mins shifting balance of weight between feet to try not to fall over. probably step on someone’s toes.
9.05am emerge from tube station. buy a cold can of Monster from Superdrug. proceed to office.
9.10am in office, probably late for a meeting.