Underwhelming Celebrity Encounters

I once saw Toby Jones coming out of Snappy Snaps in Farringdon.

He wasn’t doing anything notably unpleasant.

That’s my Tobe.





It’s possible that we’ve worked in the same supermarket

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Did they at least let you be head bee guy?


“I was on the sitting on a bus ladies and gentlemen…on a bus…and there are two people behind me…just sat there getting having a conversation…probably eating a packet of crisps…that’s what people on buses do don’t they…they eat crisps (mimes greedy scoffing of packet of crisps)… (turns and leans directly into the camera) I don’t know why I’m asking this audience about buses, this four by four driving, Guardian reading, jackfruit eating, never been on a bus in years …audience… (pause)…so I’m on the bus ladies and gentlemen and I overhear, I overhear a conversation behind me about arty…monkeys… …now they’re probably thinking “ooh look, there’s the comedian Stewart Lee from TVs television in front of us”…there’s no such thing as an ‘arty monkey’, so let’s say something surreal, he’ll overhear us and so we’ll bait him into saying something surreal back to us and then we’ll have a great anecdote to tell all our friends”…that’s how you all think isn’t it…I’m just a performing seal to you arent I…“go on Stewart, do the one about the Top Gear presenters again, we like that one from your award winning BBC television series that wasnt deemed worthy of recommissioning”…so I swivelled my head ladies and gentlemen, I swivelled my head…and they’re probably thinking “ooh goody, he’s heard us, he’s going to say something really witty now. Go on Stewart, go on and do the witty thing. Do that witty thing like you do on the television. There’s a good seal”…and I turned my head to them and looked them both in the eye…and I opened my mouth slowly… (long pause)…and after a long pause I said to them… (rests elbow on the top of the microphone stand and suppresses a smirk)…“that’s funny. There’s a band called arctic monkeys you know…”


@JaguarPirate POTW right here


I saw him at a student night when I was an undergrad. I was really drunk and shouted “Oi Sharpie” at him

I heard he draws the line at people calling him that.


It’s a permanent mark against them


I condensed it, but this was exactly how it actually went down.

His daughter looked bored stiff, poor thing.

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Saw Bruce Parry in a cinema bar once. He had run afoul of the “You need a cinema ticket to buy alcohol after 9pm” rule so I gave him my ticket but the barman saw the exchange and still refused him.


I stood next to him in the Bow Bar. Either him or his mate farted and it stank up the entire place for 15 minutes or so.


Packed Paul Daniels and Debbie McGees shopping once. He did not do a magic trick but did sing christmas carols.

Saw Paul Whitehouse and Charlie Higson when I went for a fancy meal for my birthday.


I saw Jane Goldman crash her car in Soho about 10 years ago.
She was driving what looked like a hearse and got out shouting “oh for fuck’s sake” or similar, she had extremely bright red hair at the time, so the whole thing was far from low key.


I saw Jimmy Page in a leisure centre cafe last Sunday

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How many more times are you going to tell this anecdote

Once encountered Shadow from Gladiators in Royal Berks hospital. He was walking down a corridor towards me and as he approached I readied myself to ask for his autograph but before I could open my mouth he took out a signed photo of himself from his pocket and handed it to me as he passed, all without breaking stride or even looking at me.


Having followed him for a while on Twitter this does not surprise me either.

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It’s not every day you have to google an old man because other old men in leather jackets are talking about him