Wanking Tales

Imagine reaching your vinegar strokes just as Brian Blessed starts talking to the postman outside your window.

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Just had a wank

JordansNumbers

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:heart:

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Thread bookmarked.

Careful the pages don’t stick together.

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ROSCOE: Marlon you’ve been in that bathroom for quite a while now

MARLON: I’ll be out in a minute I promise

ROSCOE: You said that seventeen years ago

MARLON: Just don’t come in

ROSCOE: I’m sorry I have to. I really need to brush my teeth. Seventeen years of not doing so has played merry hell on my dental hygiene. Cultures have formed on my teeth and gums to such an extent that individual cultures are in conflict with one another over issues of ideology and belief systems

MARLON: nooooo

ROSCOE kicks the door down and upon spying MARLON’s actions in the bathroom, he has to admit to himself that this is quite a staggering sight indeed

ROSCOE: What the blazes-?

MARLON: I’m sorry Roscoe, you have seen my secret shame

ROSCOE: What are all these magazines? Why are the pages all stuck together

MARLON: Oh Roscoe, you’ve rumbled my plotted indulgences! Yes, as all the lovely readers at home will surely have ascertained, I have set up an independent printing enterprise in this, our bathroom! I am publishing magazines all about my favourite Hungarian modernist architect Roland A. Wank! And you see that in my panic to get this shipment of top quality Wank mags to the suppliers by tomorrow that I’ve had an accident with the binding process and the pages have fused!

ROSCOE: I don’t know what to say

MARLON: I understand fully if you wish to turn me into the appropriate authorities for running an underground press away from the eyes of our King George III

ROSCOE: Marlon you don’t understand. It is not illegal to do this, and George III has not been our monarch since 1820

MARLON: So much has changed over the course of these seventeen years

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:raised_hands::raised_hands::raised_hands:

Anyone tried this? Asking for a friend

I remember a teenage friend telling me he did it

I tried it for a few seconds and gave it up as a bad job

Cripes, in the comments someone suggested he’d already wanked too much – an affliction known as ‘deathgrip’.

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“he was so young, he had a whole like of wanking in front of him and he threw it all away”

I had a very weird introduction to this song. I borrowed a Queen album on a C-90 from someone, I think it was my dad, and about 30 seconds after the last song, this comes on. One of those times when you’re not quite sure if you’re hallucinating or actually hearing what you’re hearing. I was about 13, I had never heard anything like this before, I didn’t even know it existed.

I have just bought my first electric toothbrush since my teens.

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Sticking to topside, or open to new angles?

This one has a small round head, in the past they had a more traditional head. Also the power on this thing, I would be scared of knocking off me helm, isn’t it?

Surely the modern ones have multiple speeds and softer attachments for a smoother climax?

Oh look at Mr Expensive-Toothbrush 2015 over here.

I just don’t want to end up like the bed rubber, numb to the pleasures of life

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