What is the meanest thing you've ever said

I don’t remember this bit, but apparently I ran off and my Mum came to find me and said “do not ever call me a trout again”. And I didn’t.


Growing up my father in law told, and convinced, my wife for some years that when the ice cream truck plays music it means that it’s run out of ice cream.

Abhorrent behaviour imo

In my primary school there was a kid who was treated this way. I didn’t like it, so I used to defend him, hang out with him and share my lunch with him (with hindsight I am sure he came from a very disadvantaged home).

But then after a while I started getting picked on for being his mate, so I dropped him and started ignoring him. I can still remember the look in his eyes when he was being picked on and I no longer went to defend him, but just stood there watching. Haunting stuff.

That’s probably the meanest thing I’ve ever done.

One of my teachers kept calling a boy in my class pudding until he got his parents involved, at which point the teacher switched to calling him a grass. He was definitely older than most teachers but no idea why he thought it was appropriate.

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I really don’t trust anyone who is nostalgic for childhood.


I remember once feeling elated that I was only going to be second-to-last (rather than the usual last) in the annual cross-country race that the whole year took part in. But then the kid who was behind me had to be pulled out of the race because his asthma was really bad, so I was last again.

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You become used to it, to be honest.

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not nice though

I think as a parent you know that they don’t mean it even when they’re being deeply earnest so can brush it off.

Now, if a partner said it to me, I’d take it infinitely more personally.

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The meanest thing I ever said was in Year 3, a girl in my class brought in a dress for the Christmas Play that I said looked like a baby’s bib.

Meant as a joke.

It got brought up at parent’s evening, she was teribbly upset and I felt dreadful about it for ages afterwards.

Pretty much halted the ‘just a bit of banter’ defence before it got started.

Don’t think it was that mean really but the thing I got in most trouble for saying was to my fairly old and insecure RE teacher.

We were in Year 10 and RE was a compulsory GCSE at my school (urrrgghhhh) and we were chatting about this with the teacher who was trying to prove to us how spiritually important and significant it was for us to learn about the stations of the cross or whatever.

I said “of course if RE wasn’t compulsory, the school wouldn’t need so many RE teachers”.

She went straight out of the lesson, found the Head and told her that I’d been insulting and offensive to her.

The head calls in my parents who worked just down the road from the school.

In the meeting the Head gets the RE teacher to tell my parents what I’d said. She does. My Dad say “well, it is true though isn’t it?” (thanks Dad) and the Head is like “ermmm Ok, don’t do it again right?” and my Dad is all “can I get back to my office now please, stuff to do?” and that’s the end of that.