What to expect upon arrival....

Your home is now a b&b. Don’t worry, I sent in the deep cleaning service whilst you were out.

Give me your travel brochure (remember them?!) or booking.com blurb

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Appreciate no one is doing this in the evening but I’m (very optimistically) expecting a full brochure by 5pm tomorrow.

Do you like warmth and dryness? No?

Good news! You’ll love your stay in this claddingless, insulationless mess of a property which has provoked a stasis in both the lives of the occupants and the interior of the property!

Keep your eyes peeled for damp, mould and stunning views of the still unused scaffolding!

Marvel at the beauty of the faded Tyvek flame retardant building-wrap that is now a full year overdue for replacement!

And pack light, the lift is bound to fail when you’re bringing it upstairs. Don’t worry though, the charge for the callout will be added to your bill regardless of the fault being resolved!

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:star: :star:

Extremely generous!

I am an adult living in their childhood bedroom so welcome to my room! The room truly has the best light, it is at an angle that the sun rises on the left and sets on the right so there is sun in the room all day, and you’ll get visits from two big lads who will sleep on the bed and meow if you don’t let them in

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:star: :star: :star: :star: :star:

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If the stabby teenage drug dealers at the end of the street don’t get you, my violent cat almost certainly will.

Payment in advance, no refunds

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Need a lot of space? Move on! Looking for something compact, and some might say too small? Come and stay!

The good news is that you can make dinner in the micro-kitchen with no fuss - turn around from the stove and the fridge will near enough hit you in the face! And if you like pooping, brushing your teeth and showering all at once then you’re in luck!

There is a bed that could be described as ‘way too big for the room it’s in’, so that’ll be nice, and if you like views then you can see Dartmoor over the back fence on a clear day*.

No need for an alarm clock either; as soon as the sun even hints at rising, the collection of horses, ducks, geese and sheep in the nearby fields will make enough noise to raise the dead, and at night you can fall asleep to the soothing honk of the resident owl!

Book today!

*Applies to guests over 6’ tall only

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This has made me sad now

Mine did too 🥲 hope those fools in charge of your building sort it out for you :pray:t5:

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Welcome to Sea Breeze in Winchester. With far, far distant sea views, this is a B&B not to miss. Set in a 70s terrace, with ceilings that are slightly lower than in your average B&B, you’ll feel the cosy vibe we are going for. 2 bedrooms, both singles and shared with current occupants, you’ll get stunning views of the surrounding terraces and a slight view of the city from the front bedroom, and the garden view to the rear.

Breakfast is a self serve affair from a fridge that ices to the back, giving a lot of food a satisfying crunch. The kitchen is bijou, cluttered but functional. Downstairs WC with fashionable carpet tiles (!) and a treasure trove of a study to the back of the property is yours to peruse. Living space is limited with a sofa too large for the room.

Enjoy playing with kids toys? Sea Breeze has you covered with toys for all ages from 0-4yrs old. Enjoy a toddler bashing cupboards open and shut? You’ll love what’s on offer at Sea Breeze, the only B&B in Winchester with a sea view!

Not ATOL protected. Sea view is not included

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Perhaps you can book a stay in one of your rival b&bs to get away.

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Didn’t realise owls honk. Been getting my animal noises wrong all these years

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This one does. Think its one owl parent fucked a goose or a trombone or something.

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Do you want a nice 50s functionalist house with some visiting loud Brazilian in-laws?

MARVEL! as they continue to load the dishwasher incorrectly despite it being actually really hard to do it badly.

GASP! as they scare the cat with intensity to the extent that she hides in her cat tree, where she hasn’t stayed for more than 10 minutes in 2 years.

SCREAM! as they turn the bathroom into some sort of water explosion that it takes most of the day to recover from, resulting in wet socks when you go for a shit.

Limited time offer!!!

(I love them really)

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Welcome to Derby B&B!
In the bustling heart of a quiet, middle England housing estate, only a 2 hour walk from the local railway station (not ‘train station’ btw) you will find us tucked away round the back of the apartment block, through the communal security door (lock broken), up the functional staircase, through the fire door, and in the corner. Please knock, the buzzer is deafening and frightens the cat.
Make your way down the faux-wooden floored hallway, into your room for the evening (shared bathroom, best to give it 10 mins after it’s been used) and relax on your IKEA Malm bed. With ample storage space on the IKEA Billy book case for… your books, there is much to recommend this friendly, family establishment.
Meal times:
Breakfast - 7am to 7.15am (range of Aldi cereals)
Lunch - local Michelin-starred chip shop is a short 30 min walk away
Dinner - some time between 6pm and 8pm depending what is on TV (No farting at the table)
Front door locked and bolted at 9.30pm, space in communal meter cupboard if arrival occurs after this time

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Welcome to Hoogy HQ

House rules:

  • no dub reggae on the stereo
  • cocktails will be served at 5:30 PM sharp
  • taking a picture of the famous cityscape view is mandatory
  • we don’t do breakfast because breakfast is for wimps
  • help yourself to the wine in the wine fridge except for the bottom shelf as those bottles need another year or two
  • a range of bath salts can be found on the top shelf
  • the toilet paper does smell of coconut, so what’s your problem?
  • we recommend to take it up the Oxo Tower
  • we don’t recommend to visit the Marble Arch Mound
  • the kid next door sometimes cries because that’s what kids do
  • the best pub in the area is the Sutton Arms, don’t forget to tip the incredibly handsome barman
  • give us 5 stars on Tripadvisor or else …

Enjoy your stay!

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Welcome, one and all, to the House on the Hill! I’m sure you’ll have a wonderful time.

First, if the ferry a) sails and b) sails on schedule, you’ll be confronted with a choice of directions. Don’t worry: left or right, you’ll get here in the end. It’s 13 miles left and 42 miles right, so I suggest the former unless you really enjoy scenic routes. But don’t leave this bustling metropolis without filling your car with supplies, because you’re going somewhere that’s 2.5 miles from the nearest pint, 5.5 miles from the nearest village store and 10 miles from the nearest supermarket. If you run out of milk, it’s a 40-minute round trip to get some. Don’t let that happen to you.

Travel: don’t let the A-road designation fool you - it’s narrow, windy and becomes unclassified beyond the major* conurbations. The distance suggests an easy 20-minute putter in the car, but not even young Rab** in his souped up Honda Civic could make it in that time. Please allow at least half an hour’s travel to the House on the Hill, and bear in mind you may get stuck behind tractors and fellow slow-driving tourists stopping to take photos of red squirrels, gulls, seals and other such fauna. Don’t bother with sat-nav, it’ll take you anywhere but here. Go old fashioned and use a map, that’s what they’re for. When the road starts getting really windy and turns into something akin to a gravel track, you’re almost there. Inevitably drive past the turn-off to my bustling village***, do a U-turn at the next farm track, reach the turning, think “how the fuck am I meant to get a car up that?” and try anyway.

Enjoy! The scenic sight of the bins on your right, bins that live down here because the binpeople won’t drive up the road you’re about to negotiate.

Enjoy! The 30% gradient single track road that’ll test your car’s engine to the limit, and the potholes that’ll ensure a hefty suspension repair bill once home.

Enjoy! The briars nobody can be arsed cutting that may or may not scratch your paintwork.

Enjoy! Having to reverse back down said 30% gradient hairpins when you encounter the postie heading in the opposite direction.

Enjoy! The sight of my neighbour’s rusty old white van, which is chock-full of “dirty carrots” and other such fruit and veg delights.

Please be aware of cats at all times. Admire the view, which is probably one of the loveliest in Scotland. Also admire the 60mph gales that have travelled unencumbered across the Atlantic and are now battering you in the face. See that salty film on the walls and the windows? Sea spray, pal. Yes, we’re half a mile inland and 140m above sea-level, but there we are. If it’s summer you might find it’s sunny. If so, lucky you. If it’s not sunny, the midges will be out. GET INDOORS.

So yeah, indoors! It doesn’t matter if I’m here or not, chances are the door will be unlocked. You may or may not encounter rodent corpses in the hall, it’s a 50-50 thing. If the cat rubs your legs, give her Dreamies (turn right, through the kitchen, into the scullery, in a tub on the windowsill above the washing machine). If the cat runs away, she hates you already. If she refuses to get off the sofa, she likes you. Don’t try moving her, though.

Anyway, your bedroom is up the stairs (sorry, we don’t do bannisters here) and on your left. The House on the Hill features a brand new roof, but the old water damage remains for nostalgic**** reasons. Admire the damp patches on the plasterboard and marvel at the giant hole in the wall excavated to see what lies behind. Watch the floorboards, some of them don’t like being stood on. You’ll find out which ones soon enough. Please excuse the main occupant’s bedroom opposite, he can’t shut the door because otherwise the cat will create havoc and demand to be let in at 3am. Try not to look at the pile of clothes on the floor. They’re clean, honestly.

Kitchen: eat what the want when you want, I don’t care. Your meal times can’t be odder than mine. Please note that you won’t find any tea in the cupboards, because it’s shite.

Facilities: If you like hot water, fine; if you like central heating; fine. If you like both hot water and central heating simultaneously, you’ve come to the wrong place. The boiler is fucked and cannot cope with such demands; a pair of pliers to manually operate the malfunctioning isolating valve and instructions can be left on request. Please also note that the water is a private supply that comes off the hill behind the house, and is generally the colour, texture and flavour of sheep shit. Bring your own bottled water***** unless you want a case of the shits. No water rates is partly why your room is so cheap, so suck it up pal.

Bathroom: yes, the toilet bowl constantly overflows. Don’t fret about it. It’s fed by a private water supply in one of the rainiest locales in the UK. We’re not going to run out, I promise.

Common rooms: don’t go near the sun-room, it’s gone mouldy and septic. Other rooms are yours to enjoy, but you had better like bikes, bike components and bike accoutrements, because they’re everywhere, in various states of build, condition and cleanliness. You are free to move certain bikes if they are in your way, but please note that the Tarmac should not be touched no matter its location. Similarly, the resident cat sits where she sits and should not be disturbed even if she is reclining on the comfiest seat in the building. The House on the Hill’s hierarchy is as follows:

Ella > Katie-cat = Tarmac >>>>>>>> YOU

Please respect this at all times.

TV: there is no reception save for C4 and no subscriptions available. Bring your own login.

Entertainment: an X-Box and various board games are available, as well as a very well-stocked library of fiction and non-fiction in all genres and subjects. Please put books back where you got them and don’t you dare turn corners of pages.

Sport: you’re not touching my bikes, sorry. No, not even the indoor one. Fuck off. Go hillwalking instead, there’s a hill behind the house. Or down the beach, there’s caves and volcanic dikes and seals and all kinds of shit to see.

*major conurbation: > 250 residents
** name changed to protect young Rab’s identity
*** village population = 8 (5 permanent residents, 3 temporary)
**** too lazy to repair & make good
***** buy said bottled water on the mainland, cos you can’t get any here

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Dishoom excluded?

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