What to expect upon arrival....

Enjoy spectacular views of the dual carriageway and a blanket, presumably belonging to an upstairs neighbour, that’s been stuck in a tree outside the window for over a year.

Experience the sounds (drunk people shouting, literally every night) and smells (weed, every time the front door is opened) of town centre life.

Unfortunately guests will have just missed the fly tipped fruit machine that was by the main entrance for several weeks/months, but don’t fret as there’s a constant turnover of abandoned junk to admire.

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An entirely unique opportunity for sports lovers to stay in the heart of the action. Glorious Saturday morning views of half drunk footballers throwing punches can be had from the comfort of your own room!

Alarm call can be arranged, but instead why not awake to the thrilling sound of “Fucksake Gary!! What was that? REF you c**t! Bozzer, I’m gonna kick your head in after the match!” as the under tens loose 17-0 again!

Downstairs, you’ll find a roaring fire, and what might appear to be 100 cats! Ever wondered how a lion’s cave might smell? No need! A short stay here will leave you in no doubt.

Food: NO MEAT NO MICROWAVE. Toasties though; as many as you can eat.

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expect nothing and you’ll never be disappointed x

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its just like your place with no style!
:laughing:

Not true! Stylish, great views, big boi cat, music room!

I’d like to book for a weekend please.

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Please make your way to lucky number 13. Don’t let this put you off as inside awaits you a balding, almost 3 year old mouse, twice the life expectancy of his peers. Can this place truly be cursed with lifespans like that within?

You’ll also be joined by the loudest and most annoying cat you’ve ever met, I’m sure you’ve been promised this before by other cat owners but you’ll be BLOWN AWAY by how much he ticks these boxes. Ear plugs essential.

A small child, sometimes dressed as a crow, will then ask you which items you’d like to be buried with. Move swiftly along.

The flat is spacious and decorated with muddy paw prints throughout.

The heating is a rustic/boho/slow living system of tapered candles lit from 7pm in the living room, or handmade blankets that haven’t been sewn together properly in the bedrooms.

No kettle, chai pot only.

Very creaky bed.

Seals on the windows broken in all rooms so a constant fresh breeze throughout.

Paint splatters all over the floor in every room from a lovely experience with decorators who told the occupier on the day of going into labour “you can just get down and scrape all of them off with a knife” to which she burst into tears and nearly 6 years later has not scrapped off. Any complaints about the floor being dirty will be met with counter complaints of you not understanding the difference between paint splatters and dirt.

guaranteed fox sightings.

For an upgrade to the penthouse with views of the treetops please book via m_w_t

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Welcome to this recently deep cleaned bnb but don’t worry as a dog who needs at least 5 muddy walks a day and who constantly distributes chewed sticks throughout the apartment will soon rectify that.

On your arrival you will notice there is no doorbell but is an incomprehensible intercom system and a door code that may or may not work. Luckily there is a gelateria on the ground floor so you can sit and wait until someone arrives who can open it and nip in behind them.

If you arrive after 4pm but before 7pm, when the corridor lights are timed to come on, carefully negotiate your way in the semi darkness to the second floor. For some reason you will need to turn your key 4 full times to open the door.

If you would like to prepare some food please note there is only enough electricity to use one and a half hobs at the same time and any attempt to use the oven, kettle or any other electrical device will fuse the electricity.

No there isn’t a light in the bathroom and no it isn’t possible to turn the bathroom fan off for at least an hour after you’ve mistakenly turned it on in the mistaken believe it might be a light switch.

Probably best to leave your clothes in your bags as there is no where to put them or anything else for that matter.

The dog needs walking and entertaining between the hours of 6 am and 1 am so please don’t make any plans for your “break”.

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:laughing:

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She told me she’s putting crows in my coffin with me. Such a sweet demon.

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Welcome to Scout BnB

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A very cool human being

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Really keen to see The Blanket. Have heard about it on TripAdvisor.

We have The Pink Ball. No idea how it ever got this high.

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Ok here’s the thing, the cats are traumatised by other people. When you get here please sit down and be completely quiet and still for 2 - 6 hours while they find the courage to emerge from whatever tiny hiding space they stow themselves away in immediately as there’s any knock at the door, then stare at you intensely to get the measure of you, then nervously pace the perimeter of the room while not taking their eyes off you, then start giving you a cursory sniff, and eventually decide you’re their new best friend. After that please enjoy your stay. And DO NOT make any sudden movements or sounds during the cat getting to know you process, it’ll mean it starts all over again. Try not to look them in the eye until they’re sure you’re safe.

And before you ask, no we do not have children living here, all this stuff is ours. What can I tell you, we like little stuffed toys of ghosts and skelletons and sea creatures and Pokémon.

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Here it is

It was higher up in the tree at first and we thought it was a jumper. We were keenly following its gradual descent but it seems to be really stuck where it is as it’s not moved an inch since December

Here is a twitter thread in which i was charting its progress

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Excellent! Please keep that thread going.

I will, it’ll be big news in the froglet household if it ever reaches the ground believe me

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This deep cleaning team you sent round, well… look I just wish you’d told me first okay? They didn’t, you know, mention anything ACTUALLY LET’S JUST MOVE ON.

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Croeso I gartref Ruffdawg!

Upon arrival please make your way to the very top of the house, as this is an attic apartment.

No, not one of those cool New York attic apartment. Yes, one of those freezing cavity in the roof space that shouldn’t really exist.

The three flights of stairs are good exercise, agreed.

Please enjoy the large double bed, however, there is only 1 bed, so some sharing with the host will be needed. We can top and tail. Sure. Pay no heed to the bedside shrine, dreamcatchers or assorted magical items in this room. Or heed it, Idk.

Please also regard the washing machine in the bathroom, do not wash in the washing machine. There is a One Stop across the road that is open until 11pm, please do enjoy the selection of standard alcohol available there.

There’s an entire freezer here I don’t use so make use of that as you will.
Special cigarettes and coffee on constant rotation to request.
Do make use of some of the musical equipment set up in the lounge if it takes your fancy.
Please for the love of god leave a tip if you turn the heating on.

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