It’s past 1pm on Saturday so I’ll tell you all my most embarrassing moment of the year, but I’ll spoiler it because it’s a bit rude.
This was a definite low point. It started when I was in my bathroom, and I was douching my arse cause I had big plans to do butt stuff later that evening. I’m sat on my toilet, merrily listening to music, one leg up on the wall, spraying water up my there and you know the rest. The epitome of rinse and repeat. Music stops so I look down at my phone and it’s cause my uncle is calling. Ignored it because I was preoccupied. Fine, I’ll call him back when I’m less busy. He calls again so I’m thinking oh for fucks sake who’s died now? So, with warm water up my arsehole I answer and he says “you okay?” and I’m like “yeah, fine! You?” whilst clenching the muscles down there like my life depends on it and he says “excellent, I’ve bought you a puzzle board! A board to keep puzzles on! I’m a few minutes away, I’ll drop it over!” and I just had to be like “ah amazing, thank you! See you shortly!” Obviously I’m very grateful, that’s very sweet and it is a great gift, but as soon as I hung up I had to… expel the water. Didn’t realise I’d left my kitchen window open until I heard my neighbours come through the back gate just as I did that and they definitely heard as well so that’s another little bonus on top. Anyway fine, whatever. Sort myself out and receive said puzzle board and have a chat and then go back to getting myself ready. Later that evening I get to my friend’s house, and to cut a very long story short I’m naked as the day I was born apart from a collar and lead and a buttplug. Again, fine, going well. I’m on my front on his bed and he hands me a bottle of poppers to sniff and I try to take it but it was a bit of a weird angle and I shake when I’m nervous, so I somehow manage to DROP AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF LIQUID GOLD DOWN HIS BED AND ONTO THE FLOOR. Just slipped right out of my sweaty hands. Goes without saying I was like “fuck fuck fuck I am so sorry” and he was absolutely lovely and was like “oh it’s fine don’t worry, just put your head down there and breathe deeply, let’s keep going.” But then his cat came into the room so I was worried about the cat breathing it in, so with one hand I’m trying to politely shoo it out. He doesn’t notice the cat, so pulls me onto my back and is about to go to town on me but I’m so worried about this cat poisoning itself so I have to blurt out “no! The cat! Get the cat out!!!” which he does but by then the moment has completely gone so we put our pyjamas on and go downstairs and watch Wayne’s World 2. Again, he’s great and knows I’m an idiot so it was totally fine, and we did have sex (in the vagina) in the end which was fucking great tbf. But yeah then we went to sleep in his bedroom and in the morning both woke up really coughing and I was like “oh shit, corona?” And he was like “no, stupid. We’ve essentially been huffing poppers in our sleep for the last six hours.”
