Why aren't album reviews like this any more?

Music
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Every album review in 2026:

    1. MOJO - This U2 album, even though it consists of the 2026 equivalent of 12 Ocean Colour Scene demo tapes, is a true return to form of the band’s revolutionary roots which will change your life and send the world on a collision course with the Sun, but if it was the best apocalypse party of your life. 9/10, album of the year.

  2. PITCHFORK - This is like nothing ever experienced by the human ear before, an epic, an odyssey, a one-stop shop to bring down Trump, ICE and the military industrial complex, a modern-day hymn to 3000 years of queer indigenous Peruvian chemsex self-acceptance. 5.4/10, fuck off, and stop culturally appropriating, Geese

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Mike Diver is a very good games journo these days, I think

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Cause they’ve given an album by Muse 9/10 so theyre clearly talking out of their arse

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4

Change that last Pitchfork line to 7.4 and it’ll be accurate. Pitchfork almost never gives out scores of less than 6 to anything these days unless it’s a really uncool/problematic act

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5

Oh, I mostly like Pitchfork these days on a writing (though I have some Conde Nast/paywall ethical questions) level.

They do seem shy to give honestly low scores though, apart from Sleep Token (which I found a little harsh) and AI Slop sympathisers (ha ha ha.. yes.. yes!)

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For new albums their reviews page is always now my first port of call, especially when friends want me to make a playlist of great new music.

A decade ago it was Q :neutral_face:

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In b4 “but wouldn’t they get bored with there only being two artists on this compilation, U2 and Coldplay”

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dont think he’s a journo anymore, i think he works for PlayStation in marketing?

but yeah, he did write a book though, out this week:

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Funny coinkidink but he’s on My Perfect Console next week

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10

used to find this kind of writing mindlessly annoying (partly because I wish I could be this enthusiastic about anything), but now you know what… i do kind of miss it

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It’s very giddy NME in the mid-00s, Conor McKnickerless coded

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But I do miss it too. It’s like a banquet of words.. with too many words.. but it’s still a banquet or something.

(Bloc Party pun mostly intended)