Worst excuses

Maybe he’d found a bowl of rice


The other week my boss was trying to get volunteers to go to some tedious conference in Paris next week and I toyed with the idea of telling him I don’t have a valid passport.


Prior to the foot and mouth outbreak there used to be free-roaming cattle on Wanstead Flats (historically, it was where farmers would fatten up their livestock before taking them into Smithfield Market, and why there are cattle grids around Leyonstone, Wanstead and Woodfood). They used to wander around where we live. eg

It wasn’t uncommon to see cows stood on a driveway eating flowers in a garden, blocking cars in, or just stood in the high road, blocking traffic. It used to be the go to excuse for people being late. I mean, who’s going to argue with a huge cow?


I used to use this but after the 7th or 8th time my manager got a bit suspicious so I changed it to Blackburn Rovers


Once had someone go AWOL for 3 or 4 days. When he eventually got in contact, he’d apparently fallen while mountain climbing in Wales, was rescued by mountain rescue helicopter and had to spend a couple of days in hospital.

Same fella also rang in ‘sick’ for a week or so from a US phone number…

You’ll be surprised to learn he eventually got sacked for constantly throwing sickies.


Can’t find the post but someone on here once had a colleague who was late because they said they had been up since 2 in the morning. Just…what.

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Is it just me that thinks this is OK? Insomnia is real, and if you’re in a safety critical role, or even otherwise, it can have a profound effect on your productivity and usefulness.


You have solved a mystery for me. Always puzzled me that there was one on Woodford New Rd (or is it Lea Bridge Rd?) just as you come off the N Circular. They only got rid of it a couple of years ago IIRC

Seems like a perfectly reasonable excuse for not coming in at all, but if you were awake anyway and had decided to come in surely you should be on time?



Someone once locked themselves in their flat and couldn’t find the keys to let themselves out to come to work.

One girl at my last place went home crying at lunch time because she had a cold sore

Another time she didnt come in cos her boyfriend was off sick with a cold and she had to look after him

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A guy my gf used to work with in the branch of a high street bank didn’t show up to work for a couple of days, and when they called him to find out what the deal was his excuse was, “I can’t come in, I’m in Magaluf.” He’d just fucked off on holiday and didn’t bother booking the time off or telling anyone. Needless to say he’s now a branch manager, despite pulling this exact same shit on at least one further occasion.

(I suppose it’s not technically an excuse if you just own up to fucking work off really)


There was a legendary bit before my time here where someone emailed in a really descriptive explanation of how they’d set out for work in the morning on their bike and their wheel had slipped on an oil patch so they decided to turn around and go home. Was sent to the entire team and someone reply-all responded with “So you’re not coming to work because you nearly fell off your bike?”

Same guy also once sent an all-team email about how he was trying to reset his sleep pattern so “don’t be alarmed” if you found him having a nap in the kitchen.


guy I work with text our boss to ask to work from home because he could’nt leave the house as whilst painting his living room he had got paint all over his shoes and they were the only pair of shoes he had available as all his other footwear was still packed from his recent house move. He had washed the shoes and they were now drying.


oh god helps if I read things didn’t realise you’d said late.

Yeah, all the roundabouts off of the north circular on that stretch have cattle grids still.

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Just remembered I told the Virgin Mobile team member that rang last week the reason I wasn’t interested in any of their great deals was because I was emigrating.


I was once late for work because my car window broke and kept rolling itself down on the motorway but by the time I’d gotten to work it had managed to jam itself completely shut and wouldnt budge so I just looked like a ruthlessly incompetent liar

One guy who had to take a sickie for jet lag (he’d been to Tenerife).

Another who staged an elaborate ruse involving accidentally taking his wife’s keys (a prop set of keys was shown) requiring him to leave immediately, on the way back to the office got stuck in such a bad traffic jam he rang in to say it wasn’t worth coming back. He had been in about 1 hour.

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