You can ask your pet three things

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Woah that’s CRAZY - your pet can suddenly talk and understand you! Odd thing is though that after three questions it’s gonna forget how to do those things. Better make them count!

Questions for Tina The Cat

  1. I feel like you’re often staring at things that aren’t there, what’s with that?

  2. What food do you actually like, you utter fussy bitch?

  3. Reckon you can try and adjust your sleep pattern to match ours a bit more closely? You’re very annoying

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Questions for Monty the Dog

  1. Can you come back to life please?
  2. Please can you come back to life, I miss you so much
  3. Monty, mate. I feel like things have been really starting to slip since you left us, can you come back to life, I’m begging you
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I was a bit concerned you might post this/this might upset you. I’m sorry X

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How are you invisible?
How long have you been with me?
Do you exist or is Scott_Chegg messing with me?

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I’d like to know what my pet has named me

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Don’t have a pet so I’ll need to use next door’s cat as a proxy.

  1. Do you actually like me? I know this is needy and that you prefer 'er indoors and that’s fine, but… do you actually like me?
  2. Do you mind when I call you Tomothy, Tomothy dot Comothy, TomTom, or pal?
  3. Do you and Noisy Cat like each other or hate each other because I honestly can’t tell
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Questions for Dennis the bearded collie

  1. Why did you bite the tip of your tail off that one time?
  2. Where did the tip of your tail go? I’m assuming you are it.
  3. What was your favourite walk?

PS, miss you bud x

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Don’t worry pal x

REAL, NON-SAD QUESTIONS I WOULD HAVE LOVED TO ASK MONTY:

  1. Why do you like cucumbers so much, pal. It’s a bit weird.
  2. You know that, in order for me to throw the ball you have to let me have the ball, right?
  3. Do you get Dad to carry you over stiles even though you could easily jump them in order to undermine him? Great work if so.
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Questions for Ichi the Cat

  1. Does your mouth hurt? It looks like it does
  2. What the fuck is wrong with your water bowl? Leave the tap alone
  3. Do you want anything special for tea?

Questions for Asaami the Cat

  1. Why do you howl at me when I exit the bathroom?
  2. Why do you prefer my bed to anyone elses?
  3. Are you just bored?
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  1. You start meowing literally the second you finish eating. What’s that all about?
  2. How did you get that leg injury? The vet reckons you got hit by a van but I reckon there’s more to it than that.
  3. Do you still begrudge us for laughing at you when you fell off the sofa because your head was stuck in an empty doughnut bag? Because in our defence it was really funny.
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Amazing

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Some friends have a cat that has such a strong preference for running water that they had to get it a special self-service kitty water fountain thing.

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Yeah my friends have this too

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i think it’s got something to do with instinctual sitting water = bad, running water = fresh from bygone days but it’s a bit rich for a beast that never sets foot outside the flat

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Oh definitely. Was all about power with Monty

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(we once got stuck behind a hedgehog because he wouldn’t go round it, he wasn’t a particularly brave or powerful boy)

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Licks their own arsehole on the reg

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  1. Who are the other neighborhood cats? What do you all get up to

  2. Do you really have to kill so many things?

  3. You know I love you, right?

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Questions for Winifred the cat

Really?

Do you have to?

Could you instead perhaps, not?

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  1. What demons are driving you during your once-a-day destructive moods?
  2. Could you please hang out with us at some time earlier than 10pm?
  3. Do you actually know your name?
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