#6

Buff frumpef

#7

AESOP’S FABLES
THE OCELOT AND THE DC HARDCORE SCENE

It was a fine summer’s day in DC in the eighties at some point and the old OCELOT was traipsing around.

OCELOT: Cor blimey, I wish I could be in a hardcore punk band. I love the DC hardcore scene so much

The OCELOT sees IAN MACKAYE standing on top of a corrugated cardboard box full of hammers

OCELOT: Oh hi Ian MacKaye

IAN MACKAYE: Hi there, ocelot. What can I do ya for?

OCELOT: Oh, Ian MacKaye, I’d absolutely love to join Minor Threat as a guitarist. How’s about it?

IAN MACKAYE: Well, we could do with an extra guitarist. But can you play guitar, friendly ocelot?

OCELOT: Oh nadgers, I knew there was something I hadn’t considered. I don’t have the foggiest with regards to playing the guitar!

IAN MACKAYE: Well my amiable feline pal, why not come back when you’ve learned to play the guitar. And then you can join Minor Threat and we can all be pals

The OCELOT walks away down the street, with a grumpy expression on its face

OCELOT: It’ll take me ages to learn how to play guitar, harumph

But who comes round the corner but MA0SM

MA0SM:

You can be a MASTER of ANY instrument RIGHT NOW, but it has to be ONE INSTRUMENT ONLY

Which instrument do you choose?

By the way, the consequence of having this skill is that you can no longer pronounce the letter t

OCELOT: Oh goodie! I’m more than willing to sacrifice my ability to pronounce the letter ‘t’ so I can shred riffs with Minor Threat and all my new DC hardcore chums. Ho ho! What a piece of luck! Yes, Ma0sm. I choose… the guitar!

MA0SM: Very well. (does all loads of magic all on it)

The next day

the OCELOT walks up to IAN MACKAYE with a swagger and excitement

OCELOT: Hello Ian! Would you like to bear wi-ness -o my gui-ar!

IAN MACKAYE: Your GEAR? Hey, we’re not into drugs and that. In fact, I’m going to write the song ‘Straight Edge’ now and ban you from ever being involved in the DC hardcore scene

OCELOT: Nadgers! Foiled again by circums-ance!

12 Likes
#8

Worth the read.

2 Likes
#9

I’ve always thought there would be a certain romance in disappearing entirely for 10 years and returning as a master of the sitar.

Guess I could just do it this way and smoke weed for the other 9 years 364 days.

5 Likes
#10

Piano please.

#11

The moothie, I’d think. That always draws a short-lived crowd.

(Piano really)

#13

Dube.

1 Like
#14

*-oke on a big fa- doobie

#15

I’ll take the piano too. I want to be the next Bruce Hornsby.

#16

Cello. Not bothered about not being able to say t - I just wouldn’t speak. I’d be a wandering mute cellist nomad playing heartbreakingly sad songs wherever I went. I’d eventually record an album, 8.2 best new music on Pitchfork, tour the world and then release a second record which wouldn’t fare so well as the novelty will have worn off. But I’d still be well regarded enough to play mid size venues and appear on festival bills for a good decade or so afterwards.

4 Likes
#17

The human voice. I wish i could sing like the greats, Billy Corgan, Anthony Kiedis, Nirvana Dave and suchlike.

1 Like
#18

Fixed that for you!

1 Like
#19

I felt that went without saying tbh

1 Like
#20

Not sure you’ve got The Range

#21

So that’s the way it is, hey?

1 Like
#22

Do I lose my current level of aptitude on other instruments once I make the choice?

#23

:drum:

(A full kit obv)

#24

I’m already the master of my instrument.

1 Like
#25

Um, sure

#26

MASTER of the SNARE drum, FEARED in parades AROUND THE WORLD

1 Like