your worst attempt at chatting someone up

Surely not!? You don’t look old enough.

In response to the OP: ^ this.


When i was about 15 a girl I had a huge crush on sat on my lap for ages and started talking about sex, and told me I could touch her tits if I wanted

She then wanted me to get up and dance with her, but I said no because I had a little chub on and thought she’d take the piss

Went home


my mate at Leeds Fest once tried to chat up a girl by pointing at them when dancing and going up to them to ask ‘are you on pills?’

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Some times it amazes me that I’ve ever had sex.

Once one of my friends took my phone off the table in the pub without my knowing, nipped into the loos, took a picture of her tits with my phone (this was back when MMS cost £infinity) and snuck my phone back. Then quietly told me to look at my phone in private when I had a minute.

I very distinctly remember thinking “huh, that’s a weird thing for a friend to do but ok” AND THEN NOT THINKING ANY MORE OF IT


She’s probably telling that story in a similar thread on a parallel-universe messageboard

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During a busy exam period I was revising in the library. A girl comes over asking if she can share the desk with me. We start chatting, just general small talk. It turns out she has a sister on the same course as me.

Her: my twin sister actually.
Me: Twins?! Niiiiiiice.

She packed her things up and left within a minute.

What the FUCK was I thinking? Urgh


Reading that as you saying it in a borat voice for double cringe points



Can you imagine her poor thought process? “Ffs I’ve been flirting with him all night and he’s not picking up on it. What else could I possibly to do to make it more obvious… Hang on, I’ve got it!” Then… nothing. Construed as a perfectly normal platonic tit pic like I get given those all the time. Standard.

To this day I’m barred from that pub.

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more info on Stu please


a few of these are actually too toe curling for me to read again, cheers.


Hands where we can see them, please.


In CDT we were working with plastics, LEDs and Batteries and since it was our project for the half term period beginning January to mid-February, I had a brilliant idea which I worked solidly and painstakingly on for six weeks.

Now, in year 8, maybe 9, there was a girl in the same house as me but a year below who I really fancied. She also fancied me, only sadly, not at the same time.

One assembly, which also happened to be Valentine’s Day, I shyly advanced a couple of rows in front of where my year sat and handed her over an envelope that was perhaps, upon reflection, rather bulkier than it needed to be.

I watched, hovering in a state somewhere between pride, humiliation and hope, as she opened the envelope and took out what, from 100 paces must have looked like some sort of idiot’s attempt at an IED.

In actual fact, it was a pink piece of A4 card folded in half (landscape, obvs) and with a heart shape cut out of the front by a stanley knife. The heart shape was filled with a two inch thick layered 3-D plastic heart shape with a red LED poking up in the middle, meekly - almost apologetically winking at her.

As she opened the card, on the inside left cover was taped a HR9V battery capped and maybe six inches of wiring taped at various points leading to the back of the heart. Clearly, this made the card’s weight balance rather left-heavy.

It was as she read the message that I saw her ears going through every shade of red right through to ribena purple.

‘Roses are red
Violets are blue
The weight of this card
Is slightly less than that of my lust for you’

Unfortunatley, it had taken me so long to file the plastic into the heart shape and delicately layer it, I didn’t have time to add in the musical element which I had planned to play Greensleves when she opened it… Oh, what might have been if I’d managed that!


oh god


I can easily imagine myself doing this back in the day I’ve generally been pretty oblivious to thirst trap style photos when they’re not sent by someone I’m already going out with

34 years old, I was

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A guy once tried chatting me up by bringing out his Labour Party membership card then saying he had a massive house and his parents weren’t home

It did not work


takes notes furiously