You're looking for a house. What sentence in a potential houseshare listing is guaranteed to make you nope out?

With me it’s ‘we love to cook/share meals’. Not a hope, nothing worse than waiting all evening for someone to clear out of the kitchen when you’re starving, and i have all kinds of food sensitivity crap going on (it’s a pain) so sharing isn’t gonna work.


Socialise over a glass of wine

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‘We are proud paedophiles.’


Absolutely agree. Anything like ‘we like to have film nights or do pub quizzes together’ etc.

Fucking insane how many people look for social houseshares. I pretend to like people at work all day, fucked if i’m going home to it aswell, just want my own space.

Also makes me laugh when people say ‘professionals only’ when they mean ‘no unemployed people, we’re Tories’.


"based in London




Portal to Hell dimensions in basement.

Weekly tea fund is compulsory.

Once noped out of a houseshare advert because it said that it was a house of smokers. Reading it again I then realised that I’d missed the opening sentence where it said that the man who owned the house was a 50 year old naturist


Went to the local property listings to look for examples. First ad:

We are sociable but not a party house and are ideally after a yo-pro who is respectful, tidy and pays rent on time. There is a bond/letting fee of $680 each for a couple

Is that what the youth are saying these days? Fucking hell guys, have a word with yourselves.[Also Tory, as yer man says above]

I can’t actually stand eating around people full stop. I could only live in a house-share if the kitchen/dining area had some sort of table/stool set-up where you eat facing a wall rather than people opposite you.

Not to mention I’m an extremely fussy eater.

any use of the word ‘funky’


anything about playing board games together

Would make an exception if e.g. it was a houseshare with Prince or George Clinton.


‘House share’


The best houseshare I ever lived in was with a guy who traveled loads for work and spent his free time running up hills in the Lake District and was therefore in the house maybe one or two nights a months tops.


“one of us is an estate agent”

The bit about other people living there.


Must like cats

My brother had an interview to move into a communal living space and they asked him if he ate processed food. He does occasionally but is 94% homecooked vegetarian.

He was not offered the room because the vegans in the house felt he might not fit in. He is quite glad to have dodged that particular bullet.

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the dream